Self-Sabotage Vs. Self-Love.

I’d like to note that the featured photo was taken by an old friend and this was a completely candid picture. I heard a bug of some sort near me and I freaked out internally – okay, externally too – and I had to remain calm because the stump was near the lake.

Composed and Ready

I don’t know if you are like me when it comes to this, hopefully not, but when one little minuscule thing goes wrong, I will self-destruct and allow my brain to think all sorts of terrible things about myself and put myself down at a level lower than my actual worth.

For instance, I went to the social security office in December to get my name changed. Easy enough, right? Evidently, not for me. I had a small feeling that I would need my original birth certificate and citizenship document, but that was at my parents’ house. So, I just brought my marriage certificate, driver’s license, and social security card. 

I waited for an hour to be called. I filled the time with reading a book on my Kindle and loosely listening to some strange conversations around me. Slightly concerning, but I kept to myself. 

Once the lady called my number, I stated why I was there and handed her the information I brought. She immediately asked me if I notified Homeland Security – wait, what? It puzzled me since, why would I need to do that? Clearly I am a citizen. 

Maybe This is Why the Social Security Office Gets Bad Reviews

Her question infuriated me because she automatically assumed that I was an alien in the U.S., despite me having all sorts of other documentation to prove my citizenship and my accent is, right off the bat, fluent English! Stereotype triggers set me off, but I remained calm and asked her for more information. I stated that I was a citizen, but I didn’t have my birth certificate or citizenship document with me to prove this. 

I mean, weren’t the original documents that I provided enough proof!? I suppose it’s all part of the system, right? Yet, I thought the system itself should already have my proof in it, but what do I know?

The lady acted surprised whenever I told her how I was already a citizen. It wasn’t until halfway through the process when she initially stated that I needed a passport or other identification to prove this. She could’ve saved us both our time by stating that from the beginning and not wait until the paperwork was halfway filled out.

In the end, she denied my request to update my social security card with my married name. She was a little nicer once she realized I wouldn’t be rude back to her. I wanted to tell her that not everyone she encounters at the SS office would be a jerk, but I doubt she’d learn.

My sister got married on June 1st and had her new card within a couple of weeks. Needless to say, I was seething because I hadn’t received mine at that point.

Update: Essentially, two visits to the same place + dozens of phone calls + one visit to two different offices + seven months later [July] = new card!

Absolutely ridiculous!

When I Start to Self-Sabotage Myself

After that first attempt, I called my mom about the situation. I cried a mixture of anger and frustration because I was so discouraged that I couldn’t do this simple task on my own and be successful without my mom intervening.

It was my fault for letting myself feel inadequate over the lesser matters in life that I still don’t know how to do. I don’t know why this is my go-to thought process, but it creates a pattern that I keep repeating. I continuously question myself and put myself down over small incidents like this. I wonder how everyone else seems to figure out situations they’re encountering because I’m always wondering why I can’t seem to figure it out sometimes. 

After I had my crying session, I was fine and I rerouted my thinking, as I always do. I then gave myself a mini lesson to hype up my true value and to be kinder to myself. I’ve realized that I’m letting this silly short-term moment ruin my mindset. Slowly but surely, I’m trying to consider the long-term effects of a circumstance and it makes every situation less severe.

I’m still slightly annoyed about the process altogether, but at least I have my card again. On my second visit, the man voided and kept my old card, so I was without a card all these months.

Be Kinder to Yourself

Like everyone else has said to me, I’m young and I’ll figure it out as life progresses. I know this, but I still allow detrimental thoughts to chip away at my exterior. I’ll continuously need to work on being kinder to myself, but acknowledging it first helps me grow and become stronger each time. 

I think everyone can apply this to fit their own lives if they haven’t already. If you’ve messed up recently, it’s absolutely okay. Maybe the world feels like it’s ending for about five minutes, but it won’t be the end of all the possibilities that you could have for the rest of your day.

Because at the end of the day, we may have to consider other people, but we should still take care of ourselves.

In situations like this, I encourage you to treat yourself with a coffee or buy that small item that you’ve been eyeballing for so long. You deserve it and have made it this far in life. So, don’t give up.

When reminding myself of this, I’m optimistic of how much growth I still have in this world. I love the growth and progress of my past experiences that I look back on after a decent amount of time has passed. I should be more positive about my faults because they build me up for greater successes in the long-term. 

I hope everyone else is keeping a positive outlook, especially during the challenging times. Just remember when it comes to yourself and others: build up, not down.

Have a wonderful day and do something nice for yourself!