Fearfully Driven.

We all have fears.

Abstract. Concrete. A fear is a fear.

Depending on the time and age, we cope with them in various ways. Sometimes healthy, oftentimes not. Whenever I was a child, probably around 5 or so, I refused to go outside unless my mom tied a scarf around my ears. I apparently developed the fear of bugs at a early age; I was so afraid that a bug would go in my ear and get stuck inside it! Therefore, cover my ears and the problem is solved.

If only the solutions were that easy, right?

Life is a difficult journey. I have the bad tendency to put pressure heavy enough to keep me awake all night. [Another reason for this blog.] I re-create scenarios in my head on how my responses will sound, or I will replay a scene I had with someone and what I wished I would have said instead.

From an outside perspective, I am a critical over-thinker and my worst critique. I tend to self-destruct and pull myself into a helpless state that can only be stabilized by the forceful shift of thought.

I know I was an angsty teenager that wrote [bad?] poetry; it was my outlet to release the pain I dealt with. Looking back, I smile and reminisce on my old writings. I still like them, I’d probably edit them, but maybe I’ll share what I wrote in my teenaged years, have a small laugh with how I mainly wrote in quatrains that contained all rhyme. It is nice to reflect on my older writings compared to my writing style now. One thing hadn’t changed though: my capitalization!

Present day me is a little less angsty now, or tries to be, but there are still fears that I am learning how to overcome each time I encounter them.

My fears stem from an immense worry of inadequacy. I stress over being enough for everyone that I love. Am I the type of daughter my parents hope I am? Am I doing all I can to be the sister my siblings need? What do I need to do to become a better friend or wife, to measure up with my loved ones?

No one is testing me, so sometimes these seem like irrational fears. I create a concern larger than the initial state, but we all do that sometimes. I am the only person standing in my own way.

I stress on being enough for my future career. The problem is, I spend more time worrying than changing the outcome. This is most definitely not a healthy way to handle a challenge in life; stress will cause me to retrogress steps back, not progress.

I know how terrible it is to tear myself apart, yet I constantly do. I’d like to think it’s because if I tear myself down more than any other person gets to, then it would not affect me since it’s not something I’ve already cruelly said to myself. That’s how I rationalize the criticism toward myself.

How Do I Change This?

I know praying is always a solution, but I also find solace in songs that I happen to stumble upon. Those are ones I need the most because they hit directly in my heart. Sure, I’ll play the sad songs that would remind me of someone or some experience, but I was able to write during these times– weird, right? It’s as if I couldn’t stop writing new ideas; I indulged in this state as a way to make a breakthrough with what I have written.

After I manage to push through the waterworks that I am mostly known to produce, I seek advice and comfort in my sister, someone that I trust wholeheartedly. She always comforts me and lets me talk out my current situation before she states her gentle input.

What scares me the most is the future. Will I be successful? Will I be the person I hope to be, years from now? Will this relationship be the one to overcome all the worldly events? So many questions, yet I cannot predict them. Worrying and overthinking will not give me, or anyone else, clarity about my future.

I’ve kept this quote saved in my notes for years:

“I’ve had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened.”

Mark Twain

It’s crazy how that’s exactly what happens for me most of the time. I tend to build up this crazy, intense scenario in my head, but it never amounts to what I imagine. I’m slowly realizing that instead of worrying and not getting anything done, this should motivate me to be proactive and take better initiative in order to push past my unnecessary stress and put myself in a better place in this life.

It’s okay to fear, to an extent. Fear is the lesson, another obstacle that later becomes a milestone of an accomplishment. There’s always going to be a new fear that helps us improve as a person.

There are points where fears pass and another chapter begins. I’ll be at peace knowing my loved ones are happy with who I am, I just have to assure myself.

I am enough. You are enough.