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Stephanie Ying Hawthorne

Stephanie

Stephanie

I adore the night time; when the rest of the world is asleep, I chat with the moon. Blogging about life and its lessons, with an occasional glimpse of things I love. ❀

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what i ponder.

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We all have fears.

Abstract. Concrete. A fear is a fear.

Depending on the time and age, we cope with them in various ways. Sometimes healthy, oftentimes not. Whenever I was a child, probably around 5 or so, I refused to go outside unless my mom tied a scarf around my ears. I apparently developed the fear of bugs at a early age; I was so afraid that a bug would go in my ear and get stuck inside it! Therefore, cover my ears and the problem is solved.

If only the solutions were that easy, right?

Life is a difficult journey. I have the bad tendency to put pressure heavy enough to keep me awake all night. [Another reason for this blog.] I re-create scenarios in my head on how my responses will sound, or I will replay a scene I had with someone and what I wished I would have said instead.

From an outside perspective, I am a critical over-thinker and my worst critique. I tend to self-destruct and pull myself into a helpless state that can only be stabilized by the forceful shift of thought.

I know I was an angsty teenager that wrote [bad?] poetry; it was my outlet to release the pain I dealt with. Looking back, I smile and reminisce on my old writings. I still like them, I’d probably edit them, but maybe I’ll share what I wrote in my teenaged years, have a small laugh with how I mainly wrote in quatrains that contained all rhyme. It is nice to reflect on my older writings compared to my writing style now. One thing hadn’t changed though: my capitalization!

Present day me is a little less angsty now, or tries to be, but there are still fears that I am learning how to overcome each time I encounter them.

My fears stem from an immense worry of inadequacy. I stress over being enough for everyone that I love. Am I the type of daughter my parents hope I am? Am I doing all I can to be the sister my siblings need? What do I need to do to become a better friend or wife, to measure up with my loved ones?

No one is testing me, so sometimes these seem like irrational fears. I create a concern larger than the initial state, but we all do that sometimes. I am the only person standing in my own way.

I stress on being enough for my future career. The problem is, I spend more time worrying than changing the outcome. This is most definitely not a healthy way to handle a challenge in life; stress will cause me to retrogress steps back, not progress.

I know how terrible it is to tear myself apart, yet I constantly do. I’d like to think it’s because if I tear myself down more than any other person gets to, then it would not affect me since it’s not something I’ve already cruelly said to myself. That’s how I rationalize the criticism toward myself.

How do I change this?

I know praying is always a solution, but I also find solace in songs that I happen to stumble upon. Those are ones I need the most because they hit directly in my heart. Sure, I’ll play the sad songs that would remind me of someone or some experience, but I was able to write during these times– weird, right? It’s as if I couldn’t stop writing new ideas; I indulged in this state as a way to make a breakthrough with what I have written.

After I manage to push through the waterworks that I am mostly known to produce, I seek advice and comfort in my sister, someone that I trust wholeheartedly. She always comforts me and lets me talk out my current situation before she states her gentle input.

What scares me the most is the future. Will I be successful? Will I be the person I hope to be, years from now? Will this relationship be the one to overcome all the worldly events? So many questions, yet I cannot predict them. Worrying and overthinking will not give me, or anyone else, clarity about my future.

I’ve kept this quote saved in my notes for years:

“I’ve had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened.” Mark Twain

It’s crazy how that’s exactly what happens for me most of the time. I tend to build up this crazy, intense scenario in my head, but it never amounts to what I imagine. I’m slowly realizing that instead of worrying and not getting anything done, this should motivate me to be proactive and take better initiative in order to push past my unnecessary stress and put myself in a better place in this life.

It’s okay to fear, to an extent. Fear is the lesson, another obstacle that later becomes a milestone of an accomplishment. There’s always going to be a new fear that helps us improve as a person.

There are points where fears pass and another chapter begins. I’ll be at peace knowing my loved ones are happy with who I am, I just have to assure myself.

I am enough. You are enough.

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14 comments on “Fearfully driven.

  1. Stephanie, this blog post really resonated with me. I could see myself every time you talked about what kind of a girl you were as a teenager. This made me look back at where I was at one point of time, what fears I had, and how I overcame them. Thank you for sharing your thoughts! Looking forward to more from you 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Sorry for the delayed reply; I’ve had wifi issues but we have it situated now!

      Thank you so much for reading and finding my blog! That means a lot to me. I’m glad you overcame your fears and could relate with me! I look forward to reading and catching up on your posts! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Come on, it’s only been a day haha 😉 I’m glad I found your blog as well!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh I know, I’m horrible! haha, only kidding. Thank you again! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Pnw says:

    This is a good reminder 🙂 I definitely have to live more in the present, be grateful for right now, and stop worrying about whatever next thing.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Absolutely! 🙂 I need to be reminded of this every now and then!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Courtney says:

    I’ve been struggling with this a lot myself too. I struggle with anxiety and sometimes it’s just so hard. I actually have a similar blog post saved as a draft reminding myself that I’m enough. When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I have found it helps to realize it’s my anxiety fueling those feelings. It’s not me, it’s not reality, it’s anxiety. I don’t know, maybe it sounds dumb lol, but it helps me. I guess it grounds me a little. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s a good encourager to have so you can look back on it! I need to remind myself too often about it. That’s not dumb at all! That’s similar to what I was trying to say to myself as well. It’s incredibly important to find what grounds us and pulls back our focus! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Michelle Marie says:

    Stephanie, lovely post, thanks for sharing. I hope you’ve since found ways to turn your fear into a driving force! Would love to read how you’ve used fear as a motivation.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. HI, Michelle! Thanks for stopping by and reading! 🙂 I’m certainly learning how to utilize it daily, I appreciate it! ♡

      Like

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