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Stephanie Ying Hawthorne

Stephanie Hawthorne

Stephanie Hawthorne

I adore the night time; when the rest of the world is asleep, I chat with the moon. Blogging about life and its lessons, with an occasional glimpse of things I love.

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I’ve missed blogging the past two weeks. I put it on the back burner for a little bit due to moving and the wedding – that’s no excuse, but that’s all I have for now.

It’s a nice surprise to see this new editor setting; I’ll have to play around with it once I have a chance! Actually, does anyone know how to insert the featured image from the posting directly? It appears that we have to find a picture elsewhere rather than the library? I cheated by reverting back to the old editor to insert the featured image now, but I don’t know how to for the new one. Thank you in advanced even if I do manage to figure it out! 

Life lesson time!

I don’t know if you are like me when it comes to this – hopefully not, but when one little minuscule thing goes wrong, I will self-destruct and allow my brain to think all sorts of terrible things about myself, putting myself down levels lower than my actual worth.

For instant, I went to the social security office this morning to get my name changed. Easy enough, right? Evidently not for me. I had a small feeling that I would need my original birth certificate, but that’s with my mom at her house; so, I just brought my marriage certificate, driver’s license, and social security card. 

I waited for an hour to be called; I filled my time by reading a book on my kindle and listened to some strange conversations around me. Slightly concerning, but I kept to myself. 

Once the lady called my number, I stated why I was there and handed her the information I brought. She immediately asked me if I notified homeland security – it puzzled me since, why would I need to do that? Clearly I am a citizen. 

During that moment, that made me angry for her to assume that I was an alien in the U.S. and I had to have all sorts of other documentation to prove my citizenship. Stereotype triggers set me off, but I remained calm and asked her for more information. I stated that I was a citizen, but I didn’t have my birth certificate or other documents with me to prove this. 

I mean, weren’t the documents I provided enough proof!? I suppose it’s all part of the system, right? Yet, I thought the system itself should have my proof in it, but what do I know? I don’t want to get in the technical stuff since I don’t have a desire to research more of it for the time being.

The lady acted surprised whenever I told her I was already a citizen. It wasn’t until halfway through the process when she initially stated that I needed a passport or other identification to prove I was a citizen, instead of stating that from the beginning, before we even started delving into the other stuff. 

In the end, she said she has to informally deny my request to update my social security card with my last name. She was actually a little nicer once she realized I wouldn’t be rude back to her. I’ll just need to bring my birth certificate and I should be successful next time.

So, this is where the self-sabotaging begins.

I called and texted my mom about the situation, then cried a mixture of anger and frustration that I couldn’t do this simple task on my own and be successful. I started to cause myself to feel inadequate over the lesser of things in life that I still don’t know how to do. I don’t know why this is my go-to thought process, but it creates a pattern that I keep repeating. 

I continuously have to question myself, put myself down over small incidents. I wonder how everyone else seems to figure this situation out, or known how to overcome another. I always wonder why I can’t seem to figure it out sometimes. 

After I had my crying session, I was fine and rerouted my thinking, as I always do. 

I then have a mini lesson to hype up my true value and I’m kinder to myself. Like everyone else has said to me, I’m young and I’ll figure it out as life progresses. I know this, but I still allow my detrimental thoughts to chip my exterior. I’ll continuously need to work on being kinder to myself, but acknowledging it first helps me grow and become slightly stronger after each time. 

Now, I just have to keep reminding myself of this and how much growth I still have in this world. I love the growth and progress of my past experiences. I should be more positive about my faults because they build me up for greater success. 

I hope everyone else is keeping the positive outlooks and have a wonderful week! 


3 comments on “Self-sabotage vs. Self-love.

  1. wchimesjim says:

    First of all, having an immigrant wife and going through these government rituals dozens of times ( and failing also) I can assure you that on your first trip you have about a 30 percent chance of being successful. Now, I pack every possible document ever invented in the car to save multiple trips to agencies that are hours from home. And you are right, if you already had a ss card, then they already know you are a citizen and have already reviewed those documents. I think the lady may have been embarrassed that she treated you wrong from the start and couldn’t find the heart to admit her mistake. That being said, you should treat these new adventures as just that. You are on an adventure to learn how to do something new ! It may take some trial and error, but it’s ok because once you complete the process, now you are THE one to help everyone else in your life that will have to complete the same adventure. We suffered and we learned the hard way but now we can help all her other friends with their questions and concerns. And that is rewarding ! And who is the best one to do this dirty work and investigation in your group of friends? My bet is that answer is YOU ! Embrace it as a way to serve your friends and love the world back. You are so awesome, and the sensitivity is so important in life and love, I hope you never lose it. I cry once a week if not more . Shhhhhhh😭😭🤫🤫🤫🤫 I wouldn’t want it any other way ❤ Love you, Stephanie!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I can’t imagine the larger process you have to go through, but I”m sure you all have it down by now!

      Thank you for your kind words and insight; you are ABSOLUTELY right! Still learning to embrace the trial and errors, but it’s definitely a fulfilling reward once I figure it out another time or two around!

      Your secret is safe with me! Life is definitely a whirlwind of wonderful emotions and events. Love you too, Jim! Thank you for your kind response and for being your uplifting self! Hope you have a wonderful Wednesday! ❤


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