This is an appreciation post for Stephen since he’s deserved it the past few months.
Lately, I’ve been a puddle of tears and a downer about everything. It’s silly since I’m getting married in 18 days! I suppose the angsty teenaged me is popping up a bit more now that I’m reviewing my old poems and writings.
I’m not sure if it’s the mix of emotions from the upcoming wedding and how reality will set in afterwards once we’re married, or the type of medicine I’ve been taking the past few months that have heightened my emotions. I’ve been transparent about how I’ve felt and the reasonings behind why I’ve been so teary eyed around him, especially.
I’m letting my irrational fears overshadow my happiness, once again. I managed to tell Stephen last night about my worry of not living up to being a good wife. I began comparing myself to my mom and thought about all that she has done for her marriage and for my siblings and me.
I also chide myself for the thought of not knowing fully how to do stuff that entails in the “adult world.” Most are like the simple knowledge of how to buy a car, insurance information, the home buying process, and a lot more. I just feel like I should be a lot more than I am at 23.
He always calms me down with saying how we’ll get through it together. If we don’t know, we’ll figure it out together. He’s a lot more patient with me – he’s got a small temper when it comes to driving; he’s working on that. I just hate how my emotions get in the way and cause me to figure things out on my own.
I am living with Haley and Kate for the time being, but then I’ll be living with Stephen in his apartment 30 minutes away. Despite spending the majority of time with Stephen, it still feels pretty sad since my days living here with them will come to an end. It’s made me want to spend more time with them and the rest of my family even more while it’ll last.
Last month, I forgot about a concert that Stephen specifically told me about a few weeks before. He even managed to get off work to go. I don’t know what I did to let that slip my mind, but I had to work that Friday night. I felt awful about it; to make it up, I promised to go to another concert with him [this past Saturday’s was in Asheville, NC to see Deafheaven]. I had recently found out that it was the same night of my family’s Halloween party.
I did manage to ask off for last Saturday, and last Tuesday. Tuesday’s concert was in Durham, NC and we saw This Will Destroy You. That was such a long and tedious drive, about 4 hours away! The concert lasted from 8-11. I ended up getting back home at 3 AM, and I was exhausted. Saturday rolled around, I was watching my Haley and Kate get ready; Kate dressed up as Harley Quinn and she looked the part – she’s maybe a bit crazier! [hahaha.] I was feeling a bit down since I’m missing out on the party.
It altered my mood drastically. I even started crying whenever Stephen was in the bathroom since it felt like I was missing out on the party. They’re always fun since my uncle dresses up in a funny, creative costume.
I know relationships will will share many sacrifices for one another. Some easier, others more difficult. I fessed up to Stephen about how I wished I could go to the party, rather than the concert. I knew about the party before he mentioned the concert. I felt immensely selfish to tell him this since I promised to go to this one with him to make up for the last one.
Surprisingly enough, he told me that he’d be happy either way to go to the party or concert. He mentioned how the last concert drained him of wanting to really go to the one in Asheville. He also said he didn’t feel so well since his stomach was upsetting him.
Stephen sacrificed a concert for me!!
How many people can say that!? Stephen loves concerts and their atmosphere. On our first date, he told me about seeing Between the Buried and Me. Even though he was excited about seeing Deafheaven, he mentioned how he’s seen them about 5 times already; I don’t know if he didn’t want to go that much, or he truly was indifferent to going.
It’s merely another learning lesson for me. It’s getting harder to learn and it’s only minor stuff that I’m dealing with! I should probably start really listening to Stephen and let him in more. Slow progress on the communication, but it’s still a good sign.
Anyways, I appreciate and am forever grateful to be marrying someone so lovely.