I am once again, late to posting but it is still Tuesday on my watch! I’ve had a painful migraine all day and it didn’t ease up until this evening. Work was stressful and I really just wanted the day to be over. I’m happy to be in my bed, cozied with my heated blanket too!
I haven’t been online as much as I wish; I’ve been trying to keep up other things too but I’m falling behind.
This post was one of the first ones that I originally wrote for the blog. I don’t know why I’m posting it at this time; maybe I’ve been staying up late and overthinking again.
I was sorting through my flash drive that my dad gave to me years ago. As you can imagine, it’s filled with different folders for old homework assignments, pictures from my phone, and writing projects I have been working on that never showed a polished outcome – which I am slowly sorting through.
Then I also have miscellaneous items. Things that no longer fit into my life now, remnants of the past. Sometimes, things that I remain nostalgic about, no matter how much time has passed.
It was a folder titled, “2012.”
I haven’t looked through it in at least a year, but I still had the compulsion to look through it another time. Looking back on my first relationship, I was overcome with sweet bitterness of the past and the memories I still hold close.
I have old pictures saved, iMessages that reflected the pureness of our relationship. I even have the difficult conversations that crumbled me. I still felt a pull within my heartstrings for these two people that we once were. It wasn’t until I caught up to what has happened in the last year that I started to weep – whenever the sweetness had soured on me.
It’s crazy how I could still remain raw with emotions about a past relationship, despite being in a happier, and much healthier relationship in the present.
It’s okay to reminisce of the past; the good and bad parts are how I’ve come to be where I am to this day. It is, however, not okay to mentally rewind and try to rewrite history; it’s extremely harmful and I find myself just reopening wounds that should have definitely healed by now.
There are a few things I do that I would not recommend unless you are completely, and I mean completely healed of the situation. I don’t recommend torturing yourself with the past – since we all are supposed to forgive ourselves and release the bitterness within, in order to move on and become better versions of ourselves.
At the time of writing this, I had not fully healed but I was drawn to listening to songs that I played during my unhealthy events. On the good days, I will yell these songs and think how luckily I am to be where I am now: completely in love with someone who I feel confident that I am to spend the rest of my life with.
Other times, I just want to scream and yell at how badly I still have loose ends of my past relationship. I’d rewind to the most memorable dates and contain guilt or bitterness that we didn’t have that anymore. I begin to spiral down and let the words really sink into my skin and my memories would take over. My chest crumbles a little; I grow colder at the thought of how broken I felt during the experience.
Over a year has gone by now, and I’m finding my own peace about the situation. I would have not found a human more fit for me if I hadn’t let go. There’s so much beauty within this masterpiece. Every flaw, lesson, and heartache led me to where I was always meant to be.
Ultimately, it was the other’s loss for me to find my greatest gain, my forever teammate.
Whenever the nostalgia hits as my phone shuffles to one of our old songs, I no longer feel the pangs of regret or bitterness. I am finally able to sing at the top of my lungs again, disassociating the song from me and singing as if it’s another catchy melody on the radio. Nostalgia hits at the strangest times, but it’s always a reminder of how far I’ve come in this crazy life.
I know I’m not the only one to reminisce and overanalyze what’s buried; that’s where some of my best writing has flourished from!
I hope you all have a happy Wednesday, I will definitely get it together next time!