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Stephanie Ying Hawthorne

Stephanie Hawthorne

Stephanie Hawthorne

I adore the night time; when the rest of the world is asleep, I chat with the moon.

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what i ponder.

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This is hopefully the latest I’ll post, but no promises. It’s been another hectic day, but I think it’s okay considering I have finally moved into my papaw’s old house that my younger sister [Haley], cousin [Katelyn], and I are now finally getting to live in! Also, we now have wifi so I don’t have to eat up my data anymore!

So, hopefully I’ll have more time to write up more articles; I have been brainstorming a lot about them.

On Sunday night, my mom was in a group conversation with women that she worked with. One of them is planning to adopt a baby that was recently born. As anyone can imagine, the lady is eager and nervous about this adoption becoming permanent.

Apparently in North Carolina, [I think that’s the state], the adoption consent can be revoked within 7 days if the mother decides to change her mind.

In Tennessee, [where I currently reside], consent can be revoked within 10 days if someone’s mind changes about the adoption.

It’s not that simple since they have to have legal matters in these serious and life changing decisions.

I thought these were interesting how someone could be set with putting up a child for adoption, have an adopted family picked out, and then decides to keep their child after the first glimpse and contact. I suppose it’s fortunate for the birth parents, but disheartening to hear for the hopeful family that’s supposed to adopt the child.

I wasn’t aware of this as a child; also, given the fact that I was born in China, so the adoption laws there are quite different.

What’s crazy is how I scrolled online one night and found an article on Facebook.

I read only an article’s title, not clicking on the video that accompanied it, of a little boy. The title, “I’ll do anything for them,’ says 10-year-old who wishes for a new family, home.”

I just skimmed and I cannot finish it because it brings tears to my eyes. If interested, it’s here. Don’t blame me for the any waterworks, I warned you!

I may watch the video later but it’s heartbreaking to wish for this type of stability and love, when that’s all I’ve ever known, personally.

As a child, there are many things that went over my head. Adult conversations, worldly matters, and any further knowledge that my childish brain that could not comprehend.

Within my childhood, there was a detail that was always prevalent that other kids brought up.

Why didn’t I look like them?

Where is your real mommy? [As if my mom wasn’t my real mom, but children didn’t understand adoption.]

My siblings also had these similar questions whenever other kids saw me.

I don’t remember my answers to these questions, but I know of one from the story that my mom tells people, “[I] am her real mommy, and I’m about as real as it gets!” she replied to those seven year olds at the baseball game.

I was originally born in Fuzhou, China; I was adopted through an agency that was connected to my orphanage. I was 13 months; I was fortunate to be adopted at such a young. There was one girl in the orphanage that was 4 years old and she was in my adoption group. I could only wonder what all she still remembers, if she remembers anything at all that early in life.

What bothers me isn’t that I stand out for being Chinese American.

Personally for me, it’s the unknown. I despise it. I know little to hardly no information of my family history. I’m reminded of this as other people state how similar my sister looks like both of our parents. Which parent do I resemble the most? Whenever I’m at the doctor’s office, I have to check the ‘unknown’ box for the family history sections. Did I inherit this disease from anyone in my family, am I a carrier of something?

There’s a slight age gap between my cousins and me, both are also adopted; they know more about their origins than I do. One of my cousins has met his mom; my other one knows a little more about her mom. Maybe they haven’t reached that age where they are curious to learn more about their history yet.

I’m in my early twenties; whereas, my cousins are 16 and 13. We all have the common connection of being adopted and of different backgrounds than our family. I’ve never considered being someone that they could look up to, but I do hope that if they ever feel the way that I do, we could talk about it.

All these unknowns terrify me the most since there is nothing I can do to find the answers. I see these commercials where people can trace back their ancestors, but sometimes I feel bitter to not know just a tidbit about mine. I can’t put an identity to the name of my parents, but it would be the smallest piece of information I’d get.

It’s my fear and frustration of having questions but having no way of finding the answers. 

In high school, a close friend and I would make up the identities of my parents for fun. I thought by speculating and creating stories about them would help me accept that I would never know this information. It somewhat fuels my creative and fictional side that I should exercise more. At the end of the day, I just have to accept that I won’t ever know.

It may be unknown to who my birthparents are, but it’s no secret that I am loved so dearly by my family and I treasure that above all my unknowns.

I am quite fortunate, indeed.

I would love to hear someone’s adoption story; feel free to share! It’s crazy how life is knitted together in such a way to bring us to where we all are now.

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7 comments on “Adoption.

  1. Stephanie, this was such a heartwarming read and to actually get to hear from someone who is twenty years old about their life as an adopted child is a different experience all together! Thank you so much for writing this 🙂 and the first part of your article really did bring me to tears as well…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much, Soundarya! It’s definitely a different experience; I want to thank you for reading my post and leavening your sweet comment. I’m sorry for the tears too! I hope your day is lovely! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I hope you have a great day as well, Stephanie 🙂


  2. I’ve nominated you for The Liebster Award:
    If your blog is award-free, please accept this nomination as a compliment 🙂


  3. What a beautiful post. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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